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Comments

Kiersten Smith

This is seriously disturbing behavior, and i'm not joking. It's time to RUN, not walk, in the other direction when this guy approaches. Very scary.

heidi

unnnnnn-beeeeeee-lievableeeeeeeeee. seriously, all you can do is laugh! thanks for posting that. i'm linking a few friends now. cheers :)
-hh

Pamela

oh. my. god. I (almost) can't believe it. But I heard the taped proof!

guest

quote: " I have learned that age really does
not matter; so why limit any possibilities in finding a life long
partner. Wouldn't you agree?"

This is coming from a person who is going to a jewish only dating service. Oh the irony.

guest

"I didn't know that your paying the bill was contingent on me going out with you again."

Ok, even though I think this guy is way out of line, maybe the ladies out there should really, really insist on paying half when you know you never want to see this guy again. Not because of weirdo's like this guy, because maybe it is the right thing to do. An example of this is buying a drink for a girl at a bar. My friend did this, offered a lady a drink, she accepted, talking to him for about 30 seconds and promptly walked away with her drink. He walked up to her and said something along the lines of 'how dare you?! You know as well as I do that that drink isn't really a drink, it's says I like you would you like to talk and get to know each other better. And accepting the drink is accepting this offer.'

And you know what he's right. That is what the drink signifies.

So I guess the question is, what does the custom of the man paying for dinner (at least the first one, if not a few more) signify?

Hmm, maybe some sexist things here but the one thing that jumps out it symbolizes being a provider. It's old school crap but that basically is what it is.

Now, we've all been on a few dates that didn't go the greatest. And one/both parties decide that's it. But one goes home and chalks it up to experience and the other does the same minus some cash. Now as the guy, if I feel I enjoyed the date and somehow I am misreading her and think there is potential for another date, of course I'm going to be 'a gentleman' and pay, to do otherwise would be dating suicide.

So if thats being a gentleman, maybe being 'a lady' is insisting to (and I mean insisting not just the one kindly offer, as that can impress a man and make him like you even more) go dutch when you know you never want to see this guy again.

playfulkitten

The thing is, though, that she did intend to contact him again about seeing each other after that. However, he jumped the gun: he couldn't reach her immediately, so he flipped out on her. She saw that and immediately changed her mind, naturally.

I also don't think him declining her offer to go dutch entitles him to any second date rights, not even in the same ballpark as buying someone a drink in a bar for the obvious purpose of chatting someone up. Besides, she hadn't decided not to see him again at the point the bill was up for discussion.

I'd say the best policy on a date, especially a (mostly) blind one is for both parties to be happy to go dutch, then take it from there. If you're going to insist on paying the whole bill (male or female) understand it doesn't entitle you to so much as a "sorry, not interested" email after the fact.

(P.S. to the blog tech: I signed into TypeKey which removes the name/email/URL fields, but it gave me an error and has me fill 'em in after I try to post. No biggie, just thought I'd mention it.)

Trix

Would you please forward Darren's personal info to my email address? He sounds like my kind of guy.

Oy.

ks

guest - call me old fashioned, but i believe if a man asks a woman out on a first date - regardless of how it goes - he should pay and not take money from her. it's just tacky. he should take her to a place that's within his budget, preparing himself for either situation (good or bad) and understand that it's all a part of being "out there". if you're worried about money, go for coffee. not a coffee drinker? take a walk around the park and grab an iced tea. you should know that women talk, and if a man does accept cash from her on a first date, he's immediately put on the dating black-list. just some insight from a gal who's "out there"...

Joy

To the male commenter above, the key points to remember are that Darren got the idea AFTER the meal that Joanne wasn't interested, and that Joanne in fact was interested in a second date.

When the check comes, a woman could offer to pay if she has already decided that she's not interested in seeing the man further. But typical etiquette for dates is that whoever does the inviting is responsible for paying. Darren chose an expensive restaurant with the full knowledge that dating itself is a crap shoot.

And as for your drink-buying friend, that's a crap shoot also. Ladies should be polite and kind in these situations, but drink-buying is not quid pro quo for 10 minutes of conversation. The drink does not "signify" anything, and accepting one is not a tacit agreement to get to know the buyer better to the buyer's satisfaction.

Josh Morgan

God I'm happy that I'm married.

Freakish Tuscan Villa

Maybe my Yiddish is a bit off, but if this clown is asking her to be a mensch, perhaps he should look in the mirror and discover the shlameil he really is. On behalf of all the decent guys out there, Daren, please "Ech hob dir in drerd"

guest

"The drink does not "signify" anything, "

But yes it does. If not then what is this strange phenomenon of men buying total strangers drinks. Hi, I'm joe would like a drink? There ya go, thanks come again'. Everything in dating is rituals. Not as primative as they once were, but rituals none the less. I hate to repeat myself but c'mon, you know the man is offering the drink is really saying 'You are attractive to me and I'm making an attempt to get to know you better, are you interested as well?'.

That's what it means plain and simple.

Owen Lystrup

This sounds like something I saw on People's Court last week.

slinkybender

Money invariably ruins my relationships with women -- except, of course, where it makes them possible at all.

Vayacondia

Unreal. I am soooo glad that I don't have to date anymore. If I found myself single once again, I think I'd stay that way.

Susan

Well, as a Jewish person this certainly doesn't do a lot to dispell stereotypes does it. What a fucking loser. Thank god I'm a dyke. We have losers but they are a little less scary.

Yoshi

That guy is really is sick....is it that serious?

Michele

The same thing happened to me with a guy I met on JDate, but he asked for $20.00. I told him to wait by the mailbox, bet he is still there!

me

guest, why not try talking to the person FIRST and then if they seem interested offer to buy them a drink. Wouldn't that make more sense?
Also, I had an older male co-worker who gave me this pearl of wisdom: If a man offers to buy you a drink he is very well aware of the fact that you could say yes and simply walk away. Only men who like to gamble should ever offer a woman a drink. So Take the Drink and walk away already!

ginpoopoo

This guy is a complete NARCISSIST and/or MYSOGYNIST!
He probably expects to get laid if he gives a girl a backrub.
Don't give things and expect things in return, Darren. When you don't get those things, going all psycho is NOT ok. Grow UP!

David

whoa...

oh, and to the guys who believe that buying a drink for someone entitles you to a conversation, uhm.... not so much.

When you choose to buy a drink, you're taking a risk just as if you'd decided to walk up and talk to the person (who has every right to walk off then too). Instead of trying to strike up a conversation, YOU chose the drink probably because YOU were more comfortable with using that method as your excuse to talk to her.

Maybe your friend creeped her out after she accepted? Maybe she was drunk? Maybe she had a boyfriend? Who knows, and who cares? It's all irrelevant; the target of your affection is not obligated to stick around for any length of time or even speak to you beyond saying "Thank you."

Seriously, suck it up. If losing the $8 to $12 is going to bother you that much, then just try saying "Hi. Are you here with anyone?"

Are you kidding me?

Um...I think what I find slightly more disturbing than Darren's actions are the responses by men who think this whole scenario should be acceptable. No woman should have to "INSIST" on paying half the bill more than once. If you don't jump and say, hey that's a great idea, the first time she offers, you're an idiot, cut your losses and move on. The same rules apply when you offer to buy a woman a drink at a bar. You are entitled to NOTHING. If you don't want to lose, DON'T OFFER!! Now, don't get me wrong, IF I were single and someone offered to buy me a drink I would feel grateful and definitely chat with whoever bought it for me for probably the duration of the drink. It's the polite thing to do. BUT if you say something in the first few minutes that completely offends me, threatens me, creeps me out, turns me off, or makes me uncomfortable I am G-O-N-E gone. Do any of you play Texas Hold 'em? If you bet the first couple of times and then decide you have nothing after seeing the 4th card, you don't get your chips back because you have shit in your hand. Kick yourself in the ass and GET OVER IT!

js

As a former jdater, I've been that girl! I've gone on PLENTY of first dates and let the suitor pay for my portion. However, the difference with me and her is I never offer to go dutch.

Now, I'm sure you're thinking "bitch, such a JAP." Cut me some slack, they asked me on the date ie; dinner, dessert, drinks
If it was up to me, our first date would be in Central park. No food, or bill required- just get-to-know you without too much pressure...

Yes, his tactics and "follow-up" are atrocious and completely childish. However, I'm surprised I've never received this sort of treatment---makes me think twice about first dates and my etiquette after .

Bottom line, you have to feel sorry for the guy. He probably has no clue what a psycho he is being and wonders why he can't keep a girl around!!!

Titsley LeMieux

Actually "guest" my acceptance of the drink is payment for all the fantasy role play you were doing with me in your head. Get over yourself. Sometimes it's payment for the g-d damn interruption. I'm not interested in you, I'm out with my friends and you're bothering me.

Joy

"...a drink isn't really a drink, it says I like you, would you like to talk and get to know each other better. And accepting the drink is accepting this offer. That is what the drink signifies."

Guest, how long would have been acceptable before walking away? A minute, five minutes? If the drink buyer comes across immediately as a creep, do I have to stand there with my drink for ten minutes because I "accepted his offer to get to know him better"? No, I do not.

I agree with comments from David and Are you kidding me? Get to know the girl for awhile before offering to buy her a drink. "Can I buy you a drink" should not be your opening line. Better yet, guest, stay out of the bar scene.

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